When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.