What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde