What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde