Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!

What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!

My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.

I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.

The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!

Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”

I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.

What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.

She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.

What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV

What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.

If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!

Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”

Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!

In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.

Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!

"Sip, sip hooray."

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."

Is it hot in here - or is it just you?

My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.

Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington

What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.

What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.