What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
"No wine left behind."
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
I love you berry much.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.