I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
We’ve got serious chemistry.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.