Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.

What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!

What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.

"Humor is reason gone mad."

Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.

What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!

What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.

Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!

If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?

I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.

To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin

Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.

“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.

Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.

What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.

Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.

Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.

What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.

Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.

The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.

What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”

Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens

Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.

My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”

Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.

Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!

Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat

What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.

Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.

What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.

A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.

“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey