"Sip, sip hooray."
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
People are always after me lucky charms.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Time to celery-brate.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Werewolves love their fast food.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.