Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.