"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Pirates Private Property.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
I came here looking for a little tail.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Witch you were here.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Long time no sea.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.