Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Get clover it, babe.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.