When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
This foundation is rock salad.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
I think we need to become better strangers.
You had me at cello.
Wanna churn butter with me?
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.