What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous