Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...