A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.