My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.