Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Time to wine down."
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Mooning is very ASStrological
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
You really mermaid my day.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Belize let me hold you.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"That's all, yolks."
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.