Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Permission to board?
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster