Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.