Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
How about a kanga-root?
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.