What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I'm fondue you, it's true
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Drink happy thoughts.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett