Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!