All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
You are my raisin to smile.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I scored when I met you.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station