I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
You're one in a melon.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!