“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
I think therefore I yam.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
You seem a little mer-mad.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Are you squiding me right now?
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland