What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
I beg your garden?
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!