Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
I'm the life of the paddy.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
If you were here, Abby all over you
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.