Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
I’m kind of a big dill.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Let’s make some pour decisions.