What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.