When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
We are perfect balance for each other.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
"I need to re-wine my life."
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
We make a great pear
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.