"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
He’s my pinch charming.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.