I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
"Lazy bones."
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Your good seed for the day.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!