Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Yoda one for me!