What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
I think therefore I yam.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
He threw three free throws.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
I’ll never leaf you.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!