What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
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Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
You are the square to my root.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."