Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
That look soots you.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.