Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
"Be kind, re-wine."
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
You’re the queen of my heart.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Books are my kind of texts.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
I would give anything to be your personal item.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
I love all of your stratified layers!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.