Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.