Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
Want to be workout buddies?
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.