How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Want to become my new personal best?
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
"Some bunny loves you."
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.