At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.