Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder