Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!