What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Birch, please.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
"Hey there, hop stuff."