How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.