"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Rudder valve reversals
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Your treat or mine?
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well