There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.

“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis

Avoid pier pressure.

Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.

What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”

Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.

What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.

“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook

This s***ty toilet broke down again!

What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed

Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.

Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.

Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.

Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.

What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”

What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!

What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.

Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.

What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"

What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas

I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown

What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.

What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.

Nathan compares to you

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous

Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-

I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.

Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.

A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.

What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.

Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial

Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!