I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!