Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Your beauty is blinding.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.