Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
It's always a first class trip with me.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James