What did Delaware? a New Jersey
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Know what? I dig you, really!
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.