“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
You’re my lucky charm.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.