What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Make it rein.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
I pitcher us together forever.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"