Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
I’m very frond of you.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.