"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
You are shrimply the best!
Hey, are you okay-leb?
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!