“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."