You look a lot like my next victim.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.