“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I think you’re dandelion.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
Don't fork-get your manners.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
"For peep's sake."
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!