“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
"I make pour decisions."
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?