Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Look for a rainbow connection.