My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."