The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
I Wanna Be Your Man
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Wish upon a starfish.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.