Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Rebel without a Claus.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.