A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I have no shelf control.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.