Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Tropic like it's hot.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Let me plant one on ya!
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
You’re my lucky charm.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?