Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Water you doing on [date]?
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.