What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian