How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!

My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.

What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!

What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX

If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.

“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".

"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain

“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”

How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."

“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

- Ray Romano.

Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.

What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly

He’s an elf-made man.

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.

What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.

What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.

What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.

What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.

What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!

If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?

What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive

When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!

“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino

You know what they say... Big Feet.

Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!

I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.

Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?

What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike

Egg-Plant a kiss on me.

What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.

How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.

What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum

“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella