Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
A round of Santa-plause, please.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.