What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.