Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.

Irish you a whole pot of gold!

If you travel to the future and get decapitated

You'd be ahead of your time

Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.

How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.

I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!

What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!

I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.

The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.

What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.

We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.

What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.

What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!

"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown

Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?

Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.

Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.

Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.

While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."

When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.

My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.

Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.

TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.

Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.

There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.

The highlight of the year for dear old Dad

Was Halloween when treats were to be had

His modus operandi

Son you collect the candy

Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.

"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...

I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.

My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.

My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.

A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.