There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers

What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.

What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.

I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.

Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.

What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

- Richard Jeni

Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers

What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”

The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.

Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".

What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.

Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.

It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.

I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.

Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.

“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!

Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.

Are you a human? Just making sure.

Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.

In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.

Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?

I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.

We’ve reached the pint of no return.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.

What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting