Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)