A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
I really caribou-t you.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard