Zombies are dead but they live with it.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
"Bone to be wild."
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed