What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
You set my heart bonfire.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?