What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.