When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
It’s a winterful day!
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
"Bone to be wild."
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."