What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .