Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Let me plant one on ya!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"