If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
You make my heart skip a beet.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.