I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
You mermaid to go far.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.