What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.