You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.