I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.

The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.

What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.

What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo

I hate hard drives...
...they byte

Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!

“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.

"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"

Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!

Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting

You are the object of my preposition.

Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!

They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.

What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.

What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.

A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"

Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.

It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.

While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.

My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.

You really mermaid my day.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.

I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.

What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.

"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"

My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.

Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.

"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright

I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.

Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?

The broccoli.

Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.

There’s no reason to wine about you.

Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus

Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?