It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
"Bone to be wild."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.