Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
You should see what I can do with ice.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
If you were here, Abby all over you
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
I pitcher us together forever.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."