Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
It's ice to meet you.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.