Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
The temperature can only go up from here.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.