What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.