You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!