How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
You are the square to my root.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t