How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
He’s an elf-made man.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)