The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I have bean thinking about you.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!