A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.