Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.