Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.