When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.