What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Funny meat-ing you here.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.