I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
I made a snap decision to watch football today
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
When are you going to invite me to church?
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.