How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
I perform best when I’m wet.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
You look like trash, may I take you out?
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
I really caribou-t you.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.