What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
You look a lot like my next victim.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.