Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Snow on and snow forth.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests