When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Want to go for a ride?
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
I can be your travel pillow.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Nice asteroids.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.