How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
I think I glove you.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.