What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Love me do
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.