Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.

“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.

In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.

The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.

What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.

Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.

What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.

"Eggs love you."

“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota

How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.

The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.

Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

"It's not you...it's your taste in music"

All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.

Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.

Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.

What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.

Whatever floats your goat.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.

Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

You'd make for some real smooth sailing

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"

“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.

"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.