I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus

What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.

"Lazy bones."

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.

Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.

Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.

What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.

The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”

What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.

My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.

Dialysis is a blood bath.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.

What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?

I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The sound of my bones really cracks me up.

"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

"Backpacking is money spent on education."

If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.

Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"

Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

The huddle is real

Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.

The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley

It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.