Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.