I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?