Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.

If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.

What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.

“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous

What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.

When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!

hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”

I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”

Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.

“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.

What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server

What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.

"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong

What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.

Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.

You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

The direction fields of my heart all point to you.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.

Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.

Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.

What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”

What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.

What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”

How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.

You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.

Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.

I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.

What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.

“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah

"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz

Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.

I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!

“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”

When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"

If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!