It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
I have no shelf control.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.