"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
Snow thank you.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.