What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Time to celery-brate.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)