The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number