"Let's have some skele-fun."
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
I “lub” you.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Lettuce go on a long drive.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.